You know the feeling: your well-crafted plan for your child starts to falter.

We know nothing is guaranteed, and that everyone acts first for their own individual needs. It’s not anyone’s fault, but it does make it clear it’s time for a shift in strategy.

I must help my child learn how to navigate it all. I can’t rescue him from the heartache, for it has become a lesson in life to learn well.

To quote a great philosopher:

“… I’m sorry to say so

but, sadly, it’s true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on

You’ll be left in a Lurch ….

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too,

and face up to your problems ….” (abridged OH, THE PLACES YOU WILL GO! (Seuss).

So it’s time for new plans. Having a full plate of waiting interventions is a ready resource.

This has recently happened to us. Still quite painful, there is no way but forward. No plan except Next. My job is to help John move through any regret and shame into better ways to spend time and to find authentic friends.

John and I talk often about neither of us wanting pretend friends. This over-generalization speaks to a child of developmental delay, trying to catch up on peers and vocabulary. Most people are fully-absorbed in themselves, and truly not watching us. We shouldn’t have such expectations.

One of my best litmus tests is his face. His expressive language sentences aren’t totally reliable (not that he’s lying; his brain isn’t yet wired for straightforward vocabulary of self-analysis). His face can truly show happiness.

How does your child show joy?

We had worked really hard to set up a system of supports. It had worked for a number of years. Personally, for John, his year of 9th grade was joyful. There were some superb 12th grade peers who helped him feel included. In the months after that, it was a slide downhill until even I could visually see that few cared. He could feel that. Thankfully, we had a lot of great activities with authentic friends that we could immediately slide into place. And I continue to help create other performance venues that also benefit other young people.

We both talk about pain and shame. A lot. I ask him, and see what he does and says.

We both must let go and move on … find new things. If you are a therapy parent, you know this research process never ends. I am forever on the hunt of new groups, new heroes doing wonderful activities, more helpers with momentum. Then, we join in. My job is to become a fellow helper to others and to help my son earn a good adult life. Among many skills, this includes learning to make, keep and appreciate authentic friends.