Category Archives: Risks & Independence

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Music SEL: Self-Mindfulness in Group v. Solo Performances

Building Awareness of Self-Regulation and Self-Control

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John does pretty well in group band and group choir performances, even under heavy sensory load.

Opening cocky, then froze. Ms. Melanie coming to re-direct him. There is less structure in a solo performance, and he may have blanked out the previous performers. Working memory is something we continue to build.

Which explains a lot about his motivation, mindfulness, self-regulation and personal choices.

Social-emotional learning (SEL).

Much harder for him to concentrate and care when (boring) daily solo practice at home calls his name.

Pressure is on for his third public piano recital.

He was blowing it off, and my words were going nowhere.

But having a talk with Ms. Melanie about the rapidly-approaching day helped a great deal.

Is he absorbing her words of semi-tough love?

He at least chose to really try with the fingering.

And Yankee Doodle sounded a lot more like Yankee Doodle.

Does he understand the consequences of a poor public performance?

In a group, easier to self-regulate because of peer-modeling and more structure.

Epilogue:

He survived the public recital, doing better in the pre-rehearsal on stage

than he did when the pressure was one.

Funny thing: he opened with cockiness, not shyness.

That surprised me.

And then he sort-of froze.

John doesn’t usually freeze or display cockiness

when he is following neuro-typical peers into the battle of performance.

Because he has a first-class re-direct available:

“Do what the other kids do.”

Listening better to teacher Ms. Melanie. He knows recital is coming.

He and I talk about “matching the other kids”.

We continue to work on his mindfulness of

time,

money,

what he needs to do,

and

Building “spider fingers” neural pathways.

when.

His mindfulness of his peer models

is stronger than his inner compass.

So, we have a lot to keep working on!

And we shall.

Peace be with us, and maybe this helps in your house,

Gayle

 

 

 

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School Talent Show: Earning Inclusion and Opportunity

"Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting"

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A few rehearsals were at our Friday afternoon hangout, in the parking lot.

The school said “talent show tryouts”.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

Like when the school said “Mixed Choir, for all students”.

Not just the vocally-gifted.

Oh, opportunity!  Can he earn it?

Mom was instigator who invited a wide group of kids, both neurally-diverse and neurally-typical.

Asked teachers for their (great!) ideas, found the music, got the props, and

maneuvered rehearsal opportunities during our Fridays-after-school play times.

The kids who wanted to participate were co-directors.

“Kid-centered” learning.

The school-appropriate props were both actual taekwondo performance “weapons” and toys.

The sound files and karaoke lyrics were from both YouTube and iTunes.

John carried the suitcase of props into school the day of the audition.

His job to get them to the right place at the right time.

Mom faded her prompts and disappeared.

The co-directors did their jobs.

When the 90-second audition was over, within the gym full of his peers and teachers,

John turned to the audience, grinned hugely and said, “I did it!”

We are lucky the learning community of kids and the culture of the school are very welcoming.

And yet we help every day to grow that “welcome” to all.

The kids felt the full range of motivations, ranging from “let’s try”, “we did it”, “we didn’t make the 2nd round”, and hopefully, “let’s start practicing for next year”.

What more could you ask for from inclusion?

The opportunity for children to try, to band together, to fail and to try again.

How else does anyone learn?

Hope this helps in your world.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Chores. Responsibilities. Ownership. Self-Esteem.

Building Neural Pathways for Good Habits and Thus Success for Tomorrows

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Want a low-cost, vital and urgent Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) intervention YOU can do with your kids?

Chores.

You have to do your chores anyway, right?

What we have to do on our list can become a valuable teaching moment to our kids.

It’s not sexy or glamorous.  It’s drudgery and boring.

But vital for their tomorrows.

Responsibility.  Ownership.

And if we frame it wisely, we can direct toward intrinsic motivation.

(Extrinsic motivation (bribery, fear, threats) isn’t the goal.)

Social example:  John has a kid-directed ensemble audition for the school Talent Show coming, with a group of friends.

We (my son and I) will drop off the props, and my role as adult instigator will be over.

Off he goes, and back he comes. Errands into the depths of a large store.

John will write note in his calendar to get to the school office after choir for those props.

And we will have rehearsed beforehand.  (“modeling”)

What matters most is that he made the effort at the opportunity.

John gets a lot of opportunity (my job, for the present time).

Soon enough, creating those opportunities will be his job.

I always hope he is enriched in some way at each opportunity.

Like when we shop, and I send him off on errands into the bowels of the store (photo).

Like the times I send John out into the neighborhood to walk the dog (photo).

But don’t do it like this:

It was Christmas Day morning.

I didn’t know he had already practiced with big brother a circular route home.

I was waiting for a boomerang return, the same way he went out.

John came home with the dog via a loop, and I never saw him.

Eventually, I freaked out.

First time I have ever called 911.

Getting Spike in and out of the vet.

The constables were on it, very diligent.  Amazing for Christmas Day morning.

Mom (still in her pajamas running through the neighborhood) deserved the constable home visit with gentle chastisement.

Other examples:  How about school prep:  Lunchbox and backpack?

Returning shopping carts and learning parking lot risks?

We have practiced behavior expectations and exit etiquette.

Being responsible for holding on to personal stuff.

Ownership:  Sometimes, when we are doing our school morning routine,

John’s focus will drift away, mesmerized by something “shiny”.

Or he will stim (for him, a monotone hum), off-task.

Today, I found myself saying,

“When you are done stimming, we can go”

This I have also said while driving (so then I pull over until…..)

He gets to help. Always.

Hopefully we are also learning time urgency,

because he thinks he will be missing out on something valuable

or he just hates to stand still, or his brain runs off on the wrong neural pathways

and we have to re-focus.

“When you are ready…..”

We may not realize it, but we are helping our kids build neural pathways for their futures.

We can’t rescue them in the long-term.

I might rescue for today, but that only feeds my agenda of guilt and fear.

I want to feed his agenda of independence, resilience and self-esteem.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

The first time I sent John off into the neighborhood with the dog, Mom assumed the return route.

 

Spike is headed for his makeover. Mom is a chicken to cut his fingernails.

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Body Language “May I Join You?” (No Words Required)

Helping Your Kid Create Social Opportunities

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Shy joiner, not asking permission, boy style

Does your child lag in expressive language?

That doesn’t need to stall their social skills!

You can help them learn to read the social signals that are everywhere.

Body language is 80% of communication.

Body language doesn’t even use words!

Which is good, as John doesn’t have mastery of expressive language.

He has learned how to move, try and try again!

Because we practice this over and over.

Recently, he was at a school event, in a loud kid place, holding his lunch tray of pizza.

He slid into a chair at a table for two (photo).

Someone else was already there.

The boy in the center needed helpers. John jumped in without prompts or words.

He just did it, without words or asking permission.

At another time, recently at taekwondo, someone needed help.

Some kids grabbed a kick pad and jumped in.

John was one of those kids (photo).

Last weekend, he was at a birthday party at a loud kid place.

He saw a round booth with kids starting to collect.

He gave me a quick look, I nodded my head, and he left where we were sitting.

He wordlessly wormed himself into that table of other kids.

This has happened before, where kids were sitting together playing electronics.

I used to encourage him to move in, and now he doesn’t need my suggestions.

Here’s a link to trying again with Jack’s family.

So, start today.

Look for small ways, and begin your child’s building those social neural pathways.

May this help in your world.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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New Neural Pathways for Impulse Control, Sometimes the Hard Way

Interventions When They Choose (Hard Way or Easy Way)

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It was hiding on the couch

You know that stalling is a actual choice, right?

So when John wasted time this morning instead doing what he knows to do (The List),

he was choosing his own intervention the hard way.

Time Management: Crisis Mode.

Because time awareness is an intervention.

(And we often talk about decisions in a very primal way:  “Hard Way or Easy Way”.)

He wanted desperately to carry his drumstick bag to school on the bus.

He puts a lot of his identity in matching the other kids.

But we ran out of time this morning.

Unless he wanted to miss the bus.

He would rather die than miss the bus.

It has really helped that he has seen other kids almost miss the bus,

and that has become a deep neural pathway.

So this morning, ultimately, John chose to control a deep neural impulse

and inch a bit toward more sensory integration.

He couldn’t find his beloved drumstick bag to carry on the bus.

And carrying just his percussion binder now isn’t good enough.

The bag trumps the binder.

Swallowing vitamins are part of the daily routine

So he searched wildly and loudly at the last minute.

(For the record, we practice nightly getting everything ready for the next day.

It is a habit that has served Mom well.)

He couldn’t find the drumstick bag.

It was on the sofa.

Mom didn’t rescue him.

So he had to choose the bus or the bag.

Once out the door, he had to face the consequences of an earlier choice he had made:

“You decided to take your vitamins while we walked”

instead of with breakfast.

Which of course would have been easier.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him twirl around in a little hissy fit.

Mom just kept walking silently toward the bus (a non-verbal, minimal prompt).

In a few seconds, he decided to start walking toward the bus stop.

Tears in his eyes.

We talked about how time goes too fast when he yells.

We talked about how surely we will find the bag in the house.

And how we will try again and do better next time.

So, back to the vitamins, a question he hears daily is “Now or in the car?” or

“Now or walking to the bus?

He does not like swallowing vitamins (and he takes a pile of them for methylation support and healing).

And if he stalls in the car, I pull over and just wait.

Oh, he hates that.

So, he is time aware at times.

If he stalls while we are walking to the bus, we just stop.

We use this same location decision of “here or there?” for our Neuhaus Scientific Spelling and other academics.

In fact, this option gets offered to John constantly, to encourage him toward good choices.

So, to let your children feel empowered, let them choose.

But make all the options something you can live with.

As a bonus: Fun times with your children will occur as they practice making choices.

For example, last night driving home from taekwondo,

he leaned his seat way back, almost flat.

“I want to be more comfortable”, he said.

First time in his life those words have come out.

So, keep stretching your kids, and use the power of their own decisions.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

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Car Electronics Put to Useful Training

Maps, Navigation, Reading & Decision Making

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“Exit 87A!”

John was getting into this co-pilot job.

Usually I don’t let him have electronics in the car.

I want him looking out the window, talking to me.

Being “mindful” as a kid.

But, let’s look at the Garmin or other phone-based GPS (Waze, Google Maps) navigation as something to learn.

There is clock sense, direction (left, right, north, south, east & west), distances in miles, street names, speed limits, and developing “earth sense” to master.

When we have other kids in the car, they show him all the menu options, turning features on and off.

Some features are voice-activated, and that is a whole new playground.

There are look-up menus for names of places.

He gets to practice spelling and typing.

When he looks for a place and finds it, he gets excited.

And when our destination wasn’t in the database, we found a place next door, and used that to navigate our way.

Once we arrived, we walked over to the other storefront, and had a little teachable moment on the power of substitutions.

So, now John is in charge of driving shot-gun, and giving me driving directions.

He has been elated with the fun-ness of it.

In the light of day, or the dark of night.

He always has had a great sense of where he was (in the car), and this reinforces that problem-solving.

Let’s just not tell him that he is learning.

I hope this helps at your house with all your young drivers-to-be.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Where Am I Meeting You?

At the Fountain.....the Flag......the Fire Hydrant.....the House

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My son wants to match his neuro-typical peers, and (even better), he knows it.

This includes “showing off” his growing independence.

He is now walking home from the bus stop by himself.

This aerial map shows his trek home.

We have been building this by backward chaining.

Initially, I practically hid in the bushes, around each corner, watching for safety, working backward toward home.

Eventually, he made it past each checkpoint.

And he can lock and unlock the door.

So far, he hasn’t chosen yet to keep the key all day.

(He gives it to me for keeping.)

We have also been practicing the “boomerang effect” out in public.

At a recent neighborhood concert in the park,

when he was on his own to play, even running off in the dark to the playground.

(We had practiced meeting up.)

And during the concert, he cycled back about every 20 minutes, to confirm I was still at the same spot.

At an outdoor-music-venue restaurant recently, he disappeared for a while.

He found me, some minutes later.

Also, as he continues to build his independence, he has strong ideas of how he wants to look to other kids.

So he makes purposeful decisions daily to carry his percussion binder and drum sticks on the bus.

So he matches the band kids who haul their musical instruments each day.

All this involves accepting risks and practicing for mastery.

All worth it.

May this help in your world.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Looking Back to Validate and Confirm

Giving Themselves Permission To Take Risks

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We had collected a full jar of coins for an offering.

And I had spilled it inside the car more than once, so it was time to get rid of it.

I handed it to John as he was hopping out of the car at our place of worship.

Ready to make his trek across the parking lot, all by himself as he has done for months now.

We had practiced saying in the car, “This is for the missionaries.”

(“Missionaries” is apparently not an easy word to say for some.)

Halfway to the church, he looked back at me (something he no longer does).

Lifted the canister, pointed at it, and nodded his head.

A combination of “I got this, Mom” and “Right, Mom?”

I gave him a nod back, and he was gone.

It all worked OK.

You see, he wanted to look back for joint attention, validation & confirmation.

These components of communication are what we seek with our kids.

It isn’t so much what they accomplish when we hover them.

But rather, it’s that they can think for themselves, take the risks, and transfer to their next encounter with life.

And in our world, it’s always the little things, the quick look of ever-brighter eyes.

Giving themselves permission to fail, to test, to try, to try again.

I hope this helps in your home.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Buying Something Without Mom

Not Always Elegant, Sometimes Awesome

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I know it’s not a big deal to most families.

But to some of us, having our kids make a purchase without us is a big step forward.

We have been practicing for many days, with friends around us.

We have used cash, and John has tried to cajole me into helping him.

I walked away, pretending not to care.

A little rough with the communication exchange at the counter.

Nonetheless, eventual success.

But not elegant.

The next time, we were at a restaurant where John is well known.

Mr. Greg (red shirt) knows all the kids in our neuro-typical social group.

He is always patient in helping each child order.

You can see John getting advice on how to use his debit card.

Isn’t it awesome when kids teach their peers?

So, hope this helps in your world.

Practice constantly.

Make and keep relationships in your village—-so very valuable.

Especially if your child is intrinsically motivated by neuro-typical peers.

You can see the joint attention in the conversation over chicken.

Learning: Academic & Social-Emotional that goes into long-term memory,

and builds self-esteem!

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

 

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Further and Further From the Bus

Backward Chaining, Twice a Day

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First, John figured out how to accept the neuro-typical bus.

That took watching, planning and practice.

And now he is riding the big-kid bus to and from intermediate school each day.

Next, we are stretching that independence so he can walk to and from the bus stop.

We are backward chaining by my parking further and further from the bus.

Both in the morning and in the afternoon.

(His preferred bus stop with lots of peers is further away. 

We also have had a Hurricane Harvey interruption to work through.)

So, the plan is that he gets to approach his peers as he wishes, walking away from the car.

He quite easily walks away from me without a backward glance.

He is learning that social/emotional IQ of how to approach and blend in.

Sometimes the kids re-arrange themselves to scoot closer to him.

(And that is a joy to see.)

And he has figured out how to get off the bus at school, with whatever re-directs he gets from peers and school officials.

We did grease the skids on this process over the summer.

Now we are working on the homeward journey:  from the bus stop all the way to the house, out of sight.

So we start one block away.

He gets off the bus, and walks to the car.

The next day, two blocks away.

Both in the morning and in the afternoon.

Eventually, he will be able to make the treks without seeing me for reassurance.

And he will be gaining continual growth in navigation, independence and self-esteem.

(I suggested to him a different bus stop, closer to home.

He adamantly rejected that idea.

He knows exactly which bus stop he wants, because of the social connections he has made.)

I hope this gives you some courage to try with your kids.

Risks are worth it, with proper training and practice.

Consider backward chaining.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

 

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Our Kids Can Do Business Stuff

Practice Ordering Pizza, Paying Bills, Checking In & More

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John got to help me order pizza.

We wrote the sentences he would say, and we practiced.

The word “medium” was difficult.  By the next day, John had mastered the word.

But for the phone call, we eventually went with “middle size”.

The lady taking the phone order was very kind.

I told her we were working on a social project.

John got a C+ and we will do better next time.

John also gets practice with business transactions by checking himself in for therapy.

And handling the credit card work at checkout:  Both at therapy and at restaurants.

And, he volunteered to run a letter to the mailbox.

Grinning all the way there and back.

So, think of little ways you can delegate to your children, including buying gas for the car.

We parents do too much on automatic pilot.

I hope this helps at your house.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Mom, Don’t Let the Doorknob Hit You on the Way Out

Back of My Head

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So, a big day of independence practice:  first time to a new, noisy, chaotic church camp.

Day 2, four hours of activity.

John had missed Day 1.

So everyone pretty much knew what to do but him.

John is quite blessed that many of the kids know him, and some helped him find a group to join.

Love those kids.

At this first drop-off, John did not look back.

Same for the next day.

Nothing for Mom but the back of his head.

The greatest thing I could have dreamed of.

The loving goodbye wasn’t going to happen anyway, and I was OK with that loss.

Things much bigger were at stake.

Grit.

Desire.

Want.

Courage.

So, we continue to stretch for everything coming at our kids.

We do all we can for intrinsic motivation.

Then shut up, drop back, and pray it all kicks in.

May we have many times to love the backs of their heads.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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“Go Back And Get It”

Retrieving Left Behind Stuff

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It is a simple thing to say:  make your child go back and get what they left behind,

but what if that was a risky journey?

John left a journal behind.

To retrieve it would include an elevator ride and a different floor in a big hospital.

I said I would wait for him.

He didn’t need much persuasion, as we have been practicing solo elevator rides and other-floor-journeys for some time.

We also practice shopping cart returns across busy parking lots.

We play “find Mom in the grocery store” games, in spite of Stranger Danger and fears of getting lost.

So, it turned out dandy.  John was proud of his accomplishment.

Loss of 5 minutes.

No big deal there,

given the trade-up in self-esteem and willingness to try the unknown.

Risk tolerance—practice it with our kids.

Failure or success:  both teach something.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Hanging Out in the Waiting Room

An Hour on His Own

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Mom had a doctor appointment and no babysitter.

So John got an opportunity.

An hour or so cooling his heels in the doctor’s waiting room.

I set the WiFi on his iPad and waved goodbye.

I didn’t hear anything.

I didn’t ask.

I didn’t worry.

I tried not to think about it.

At the end of the hour, no one had died or screamed.

One of the massively awesome components of ever-greater expectations combined with relentless interventions and held boundaries

is that it works.

I swear to God with my hand on the Bible, it works.

Try this with your kids.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

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Bubble Riding, Gum Chewing & Zip Lines

Courage: Expanding Sensory Acceptance By Trying

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Our kids can amaze us when they want to.

They have courage and capabilities we routinely underestimate.

We fear for them in all ways, and this causes low expectations.

John has decided he loves zip lines and running around in a bubble.

He’s not so sure he loves chewing gum yet (you can barely see it in his mouth here).

Every day there are opportunities to stretch his capabilities:  Ways he can show bravery.

So, every day, am I the limiting factor?

Are you?

Let them try it.  Whatever they want to try.

Ask, “Do you want to try this?”

And if it takes two hours for a “NO!” to slowly slide into a tentative

“…..yes, I think so…..”,

well then,

that’s what courage looks like for your child.

Celebrate that they are making their lives.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Paintball Sensory Overload

Patience Pays Off Because He Wants To

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It hurts to get hit.

The helmet is hot, heavy and stinky.

The body pads, ditto.

And yet he wanted to because his friends were.

It took almost two hours of standing on the sidelines, trying to decide.

But eventually, he gave it a try.

And as soon as he got smacked,

he was out of there, off the field and out of his gear.  Fast.

And that was good enough.

His face said it was all worth it.

So, yet again, sensory deficits can step forward into the fray,

but it takes time and intrinsic motivation.

Try this waiting patience with baited hook on your young warriors-to-be at home?

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

 

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Late!

Some Ideas to Get Out of the House Faster

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Time is our greatest scarcity.   Never enough time to do all we want to do.

And we seem to still be trying to get our morning schedule back on track.

(Due to spring break, daylight savings time, and getting over being sick.)

And we often cope with slow-poke executive functioning.

So, here are some very recent re-direct tricks that may work as well for you.

  • “First one to buckle their seat belt wins!”
  • “Do you want to brush your teeth in the car or in the bathroom?”
  • “Do you want to eat your food at the table or in the car?”
  • “Bye!   Meet you in the car.”

I have given up on trying to make John eat.

I now ask, “Are you hungry?”, and leave it at that.

I will also say, “When you are done eating, put your bowl in the fridge.”

And I try to remember the “please”.

It has always seemed urgent and  important to me as a bio-med mom that he gets his nutritional supplements down the hatch each day.

For those of us who do this, it can be an exhausting daily game of  cajoling him to eat or drink it all.

Another trick that is working well now when John lollygags on eating, and we need to leave the house:

I ask him if he wants “to eat at the table or in the car?”

In fact, I further ask him if he wants to brush his teeth in the bathroom or in the car?

He usually does NOT want to eat in the car.

He does take action based on his decision (which is far more useful in his learning self-regulation than Mom nagging).

Many a school morning, I give up on re-directing him or getting him to move faster.

Instead, I say, “Meet you in the car!”

Either he or I have piled his stuff by the front door, and I just walk out.

Please understand we have back-ward chained the skills to process those decisions.

I have shared previously that I actually back the car down the driveway.

I have even driven around the cul-de-sac, as if I were driving away without him.

Most mornings I try to catch him (back) at the front door, so we can practice the key in the lock.

He wants to celebrate winning, but I remind him whoever buckles the seat belt first wins.

The photo of John grinning here was one morning when he “won”.

And I don’t always “let” him win.

I do my best to make it an honest, funny, laughing competition.

Maybe some of these ideas will help your mornings.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Paying Attention to Boundaries

Stretching to Reach Their Goal(s)

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It took John’s friend Hunter to show us what this little finger-hold was for.

It has been in that door molding for more than one year.

Without his paying attention to it.

Now he uses it all the time.

Because by using that tool, he can close the door independently.

Without that finger-hold, he can’t.

And now let’s try to use that idea toward boundaries in self-directed learning.

No telling what it could be in your world, but for us, it was math homework.

And it started out so self-directed.

Joyous, in fact.

Then about halfway, he decided Mom wasn’t really going to hold her boundaries, and he went to the dark side.

In the blink of an eye, he was testing boundaries in every way possible.

And loudly.

We eventually ended up in the bathroom, with the vent fan on and the door shut.

We were visiting at my sister’s house some time ago, and I was mortified.

John lost his favorite thing (Mom’s phone), and lost it for the entire day.

I held my ground and re-directed him or ignored him every time he tried to re-negotiate.

He was fully aware.

He could tell me why he lost my phone.

Holding your parent boundaries may test you to the point of nearly “losing it”.

But it doesn’t mean holding those boundaries isn’t working.

As one of my mom friends says, “I love you too much to argue with you.”

So I didn’t.

Set your boundaries in a time of calm.  Make sure they understand.

Then, when the testing comes (and we know that it will), hold your ground.

Pay attention to the necessity of boundaries.

So your child can learn independently.

Learn self-awareness and self-regulation.

Try this with your kiddos?

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Training For School Bus Independence By Backward Chaining

With A Backward Glance (Maybe)

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Next year is 5th grade at a new (bigger, faster-paced) intermediate school.

So, we are building into our ARD (Admission, Review, Dismissal)

that he is riding the big kid bus.

We are practicing now, and here are some photos of how that looks.

It’s called Backward Chaining by occupational therapists, and Backward Design by educators.

You start with the last step and practice until your child masters it.

And then you add the previous step and include it to the process.

Keep this up, each time adding the previous step to the entire flow.

Soon, you will be at the beginning step and your child can do it all.

So, back to the bus independence:  Mom does less and less.  John does more and more.

Some days, when John is lollygagging, I have laid his stuff on the ground and walked away.

Toward school.  With neighbors and friends watching me.

I smile and wait out of sight.

Until John catches up.

I fade my prompt at every opportunity.

Once he gets ahead of me, I stay out of eye-sight as he rides on to school.

As our days of training have progressed,

sometimes he looks back,

sometimes not.

Twice now he has caught me peeking after him.

He was laughing and so was I at Mom busted.

Once he is at school, I do follow the sidewalk to the end, and wave at the crossing guard.

Don’t want the school thinking I am irresponsible : )

He eventually went by himself:  from the car, through the crossing guard, into school.

So try backward chaining (where we start with mastery of the last thing,

working our way backward toward mastery of the first thing),

fade from helping at each step after getting out the front door.

Also, I have been told to get John an assigned seat on the bus in the front row(s).

As he is able to master the sensory environment,

the new everything of the school,

and learn what to absorb (and what to NOT absorb) of the bus behaviors of peers,

then we can move toward a longer tether.

For now, one step at a time.

Backward chaining toward independence

and handling natural consequences of life.

Maybe this will be useful in your child’s life forward.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

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Buttons and Zippers

Building Independence in Self Care

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Up to now, we have always taken the easy way out on pants, shorts, shirts and shoes.

Elastic waist pants & shorts.  Over-the-head shirts.  Velcro shoes.

Avoiding buttons, zippers, snaps and tying.

Not any more.

Here is a way that Alma, one of John’s occupational therapists, told me to help him practice big-boy waistlines.

Using an old pair of pants (or shorts), pull back all the excess fabric (actually cut it off if necessary) around a flexible box.

And I got “upgraded” pants and shirts for him.

So now John gets to practice daily the button at the top (more challenging than shirt buttons) and zipper (harder than a backpack zipper).

And John “gets” to wear a button-down-the-front shirt every day now.

He protests, and tries to negotiate “no buttons today”.

Mom isn’t listening.

These pants you see have adjustable elastic tabs & buttons on the inside waistband.

So they don’t slide down, and we can delay on the belt (the next thing to add).

Also, John is getting more agile with his backpack zipping.

He is actually using the backpack now, as if he is curious about what is in it.

This is a new thing.

We have “practiced” backpack stuff, but never before did John show any interest or self-determination about what was in it (or not).

It seems that now he cares.

We are also working on the shoe tying, a story for another time.

So, dear parents, keep raising the bar on self care.

And allow more time for them to do it themselves, right?

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Lunchbox, Backpack, Grocery Store

When He Chooses to Start Taking More Responsibility

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John is using this sentence more and more:    (Thank you, dear angels)

“That’s my job, Mom.”

In many little and important ways each day.

We continue to work on John’s chores.

These tasks have recently fallen off Mom’s list and gone to his:

Packing his school snacks.

Buying special purchases at the grocery store with his debit card (special account, small amount).

Packing / unpacking and zipping / unzipping his backpack.

Seriously—John is now constantly puttering with the backpack, putting stuff in and taking it out.

For the first time in his life!

Meanwhile, I stay vigilant to anything I should quit doing for him.

The timing is important:  We can train for independence.

So when he (finally) voluntarily chooses to do anything,

Mom has to let go fast!

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The Need For Speed

Aware Of The Joy Of Winning

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Ever hear of the Pinewood Derby?   It’s famous in the world of Scouts.

Each child gets a chunk of wood, four wheels and some goofy little axle pins.

Not too many rules:  just a maximum racing weight limit.

Other than that, Scouts can do pretty much anything they want in design.

This year, John has been paying more attention.

He decorated his car with a marker.

His name and a smiley face.

Apparently enough to win “Unique Design”.

Everyone wins something, right?

And his car came in #2, overall, among about 20 Scouts.

This caused great clamor among his peers, lots of cheering and lots of heats (times they run the cars).

You can see here an elaborate track.

When they announced his name as overall #2 winner, John let out a whoop and ran toward the announcer.

Quite joyous.  Quite aware.

Self-aware of his buddies happy and shouting for him.

Self-aware that his little car had done well.

Aware.  Alive.  In this world with us.

What we parents urgently seek:  our kids being aware.

So, keep putting your child in situations where self-awareness can grow.

And it may.  Don’t give up.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

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Swallowing On Purpose, Part 2

Bigger, More, Diversity and Practice

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swallow-2First, a bit about capsule sizes:  #5 is the smallest, working up through #00, then on to horse-sized.

If he can swallow these vitamins and nutritional supplements instead of Mom mushing everything up sugar-laden juice cocktails, then I will get more sleep.

Oops, I mean . . . . . . . John will grow in independence.

And travel will become far less stressful and more  normal.

Whatever normal is.

Also, some of what John needs to swallow tastes wretched; I know because I taste everything myself.

So I re-package it inside tasteless capsules.

I have mentioned the help of Rosemary Slade, OTR, and daily practice.

John has grown in skill: moving through #5’s, #3’s and round uncoated tablets (slightly smaller than an M&M)

The oval tablets I cut in half.swallow-more

Because John has started resisting the “sugar-laden juice cocktail” with all the stuff in it.

Thus causing an exhausting power-struggle.

Now John has grown into swallowing a pile like this (second photo) twice daily, with water in a cup with a straw.

Hardly any juice, less power struggle.

And increased oral motor skills and swallowing ability.

And this morning, I added two (far bigger) #0 capsules.  

John said “too big!”

I said “try, you are a big boy!”

And then they were gone.

Try this with your kids?

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Building Banter Via Drive-Throughs

Creative Compromise, Longer Tethers of Independence

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2016-06-30 18.04.53-2John wanted Burger King (they have paper towels in their bathrooms).

I wanted McDonald’s (they have chocolate dip cones).

So we were bantering back and forth in the car.

I was using every variation of voice, tone, pitch and silliness I could think of.

John was mirroring these that back, and creating some of his own.

Huge grin on his face.

Finally, John offered a creative solution.

“First Burger King, then McDonald’s.”

(Like he’s never heard, “first this, then that” ever before in his life!)

His solution just popped out of his mouth, and I hadn’t thought of it.

(To be honest, this was not the first time we have gone through more than one drive-through to appease everyone.)

I had to say “OK!”

And I didn’t get out of the car at Burger King.

I pulled up close to the door, and like we often do to stretch his independence,

John went in solo, and came out solo.

Big boy, intrinsic motivation stuff.

So maybe this might give you some ideas to try.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Take Kids on Errands

Stretching the Social Teachable Moment

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2016-09-23-15-35-51-1See that pink paper in John’s friend’s hand?

That’s the birthday cookie cakes receipt.

I could have picked up the bakery goods myself.

Instead, I chose to wait until I had a car full of boys.

It took only 15 minutes to run the errand, which turned into a grocery story ice cream party when we coincidentally met other families running errands also.

A rich social experience followed, which would never  have occurred if I had been an efficient mom, doing errands when solo.

And then, the only place in the car to put the two birthday pans was in the back, on top of that flexible cover that pulls out like a window shade.

And there they stayed for hours, sliding around while we did other stuff.

Not so pretty anymore, but the kids didn’t care the next day.

Perfection is for adults.

So, think of ways to include your kids in errands.2016-09-23-21-32-35-1

They learn how to do things.

Also, I emotionally connected the kids to a big part of the next day.

They got the cakes from the counter out to my car.

Gaining skin in the game.  The cake game.

And these same kids were the ones who ate the cakes the following day at John’s birthday party.

Twenty-seven (27) kids for bowling, pizza, cookie cake and arcade chaos.

More opportunities for emotional bonding.

Liquid gold to John.

Maybe this can work in your world.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

2016-09-23-21-54-23-1

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Your List Or My List?

DEFCON 5 - "You Have Lost Your Freedom"

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My frustration was growing.  John was making decisions that kept me his prisoner, not allowing me to do my mom work.

No intervention I was trying was working.

Your List or My List

And I was getting mad (never a good thing).

Then I remembered something that had worked in the past:  Take him with me when I do my work.

So my To Do list became his list.

John went with me:  doing laundry, dishes, clearing the table, readying for tomorrow, etc.

He hated it.

He begged for HIS list.

He begged for early bed-time.Your List My List2

Who wants to do mom-work?

I told him if he got out of bed, he got to help me more.

He didn’t.

I wish I could say that John never tested me again on this.

Several days later, we were going somewhere fun for him, and all he had left to do was read for 30 minutes.

He stalls on the reading, right?Your List My List3

I eventually realized I wanted him to do what he wouldn’t do, so he could go have fun.

And causing myself great stress about it.

He had no intrinsic motivation.

He didn’t care, but I cared for the loss of social time with other kids.

Once I stopped trying to please him, I got my peace back.

I had been co-dependent.

We started with the dishes, wiping off the table and counters, moved on to paperwork, mail and laundry.

When John ran away from me to another room, I told him he would have to earn me not holding his hand like a little baby.

Each time John ran away (of course he is going to test my boundaries), I retrieved him by the hand.

We went on the the next thing.

Slowly, relaxed, without any intervention agenda or renegotiation.

Just getting my mom work done.

The sheer boredom drove him nuts.

I would say “my list or yours?”, “how do you like my list?”, “when you do your list, then I can do my list.”

And we worked in the sinister 30 minutes of reading.

And then I put him to bed.

My disappointment wasn’t the issue, and I tried to remember that.

He made the choice.

I wonder when he will try testing me on this again.

When he does, I must love him enough to hold my ground.

He’s only going to get bigger and older.

So, maybe this can help at your home.

Peace be with us,

Gayle