For two weeks, we have another little 8-year old boy in the house.  Adam is my son John’s nephew, my step-grandson.  (This technically makes me a grandma, with Nephew Adam 2 days older than Uncle John.)  

Adam has no learning differences.   And, Adam loves junk food.   So I have bribed him that if Adam can teach my son John to get his you-know-what into the you-know-where, I will let Adam eat cookies all day long, for one whole day.  Adam is now fully engaged in John’s #2 toileting goals.

And I am also bribing the 2 boys each morning to get through their practice of TouchMath together.  Nothing fun is going to happen until then.  (Technically, that’s less bribery and more tough love parenting.)

I also have a pending deal with Adam involving getting John to actually chew gum.

You might want to try some version of leveraged bribery.

I am using it shamelessly.

Best,

Gayle

Today I spent a few quiet hours with my 8-year old son in the water, marveling at how comfortable and playful he was.  His sense of peace, of pace, of not needing, brought tranquility to this churning mom-heart.  That so-busy-with-interventions heart, that is supposed to be balanced between two opposite worlds:  One half doing everything I can to help him and the other half accepting him just as he is, in the moment.

I fall short often of that second nirvana—that half of my heart at peace with him as he is in his own skin, becoming John.

He is not always this calm, quiet, full of simple joy.  Is it  because I am chasing something I shouldn’t?

How do we teach our struggling children to be at peace within themselves?  To find and hold that inner harmony, to be at equilibrium enough when that social snub comes.  To not grieve for that party invitation undelivered?  To not need, to not be needy?

Peaceful in their own skin.

For John, it would, of course, start with me.

What kind of example do I provide?   What did I miss?

Sometimes I am Mary when I should be Martha.

Sometimes, the opposite.

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”
― Robert Fulghum (“Everything I Needed to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten”)

Peace be with us,

Gayle

Fitting Interventions into Your Busy Life.   Portable ePersonal Workshops.

#1 will be “No Place to Hide, What You Can Do About Your Child’s Behaviors”.

The series will be coming soon to Kindle.

Here is the beta cover

and the intro video on YouTube.

What do you think?

Says John.   And then he does. 

When he is ready.   Not when Mom nags, hovers, or cajoles him.

When he was ready to swing out, Tarzan-style, on a long rope over the deep pool at SplashTown.   Letting go.  8 times.

When he was ready to try the archery range at Scout Camp.  Or over to the basketball hoop, with no one he knew.

When he was ready to try the electric hair clippers.

When he was ready to try no more pullups at night.

When he was ready to try . . . . . oh dear angels . . . . actually pooping in the toilet? (am I dreaming?)

The magic of self-directed intrinsic motivation—when he says he wants to.

So, with your learning ones, try saying,

“Do you want to try ……?”

And then we back off.  We really have no control.

Best,

Gayle

Other kids can get John to do things.  Important, powerful, stretching, social, scary things.  So I use that.

What you see here is a hot, scared, hesitant, sensory-averse kid (yellow shirt), doing something for the first time.  Out in the neuro-typical world, alongside other faster kids.  Because his team-mates said, “Come on, John.  Come with us.”

Sometimes John would say, “I think I will try that” to me, like it was his idea.   Sometimes, wordlessly.

So, find some good, kind kids with good, kind parents.  Explain, in short form.  (I tell them that John is scared, and that his tongue doesn’t work as fast as theirs.  I stick out my tongue, grab it with my fingers, and try to talk.   I ask them to do the same, and they get a real fast idea what expressive speech delay is.  Not scientifically accurate, but, hey…..)

And I then ask the kids to get John to come with them.

Some day, I will have to deal with stranger danger, but not today.  Today is about the archery range at scout camp.

I hope this works for you.   It is golden in John’s world.

Love those other kids.

Most kids seek the spotlight, right?   They yell, “Hey, Mom, look at me!”

But what if not?   If they do not seek attention, shy away from other kids, do anything to escape?

This version of John (in the photo) is only recent.  It has taken years of work to get that expression of joy you see.   Years of work that you might be thinking isn’t so much worth it anymore for your child.

“The sun did not shine.  It was too wet to play.  So we sat in the house.   All that cold, cold, wet day.”

“Look at me! Look at me! Look at me now! It is fun to have fun but you have to know how.”

Nope—do not listen to that fish in the pot.   Do not “just sit, sit, sit, sit” !

Movement will always help our children.   Balancing, jumping, crossing mid-line, climbing, and all purposeful movement will build gross motor skills into fine motor skills.   It is a blessing of natural consequences that children learn physically, socially by purposeful movement.

And as our kids master physical movements (as when my son could finally launch a 2-footed jump), they will know they have done something worth “Look at me!”

These moments of small joy are worth the consistency and effort you make each day, every day.

Learning is for today.

On my good days, I live “in the moment” with my child.

You?