Monthly Archives: May 2018

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Music SEL: Self-Mindfulness in Group v. Solo Performances

Building Awareness of Self-Regulation and Self-Control

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John does pretty well in group band and group choir performances, even under heavy sensory load.

Opening cocky, then froze. Ms. Melanie coming to re-direct him. There is less structure in a solo performance, and he may have blanked out the previous performers. Working memory is something we continue to build.

Which explains a lot about his motivation, mindfulness, self-regulation and personal choices.

Social-emotional learning (SEL).

Much harder for him to concentrate and care when (boring) daily solo practice at home calls his name.

Pressure is on for his third public piano recital.

He was blowing it off, and my words were going nowhere.

But having a talk with Ms. Melanie about the rapidly-approaching day helped a great deal.

Is he absorbing her words of semi-tough love?

He at least chose to really try with the fingering.

And Yankee Doodle sounded a lot more like Yankee Doodle.

Does he understand the consequences of a poor public performance?

In a group, easier to self-regulate because of peer-modeling and more structure.

Epilogue:

He survived the public recital, doing better in the pre-rehearsal on stage

than he did when the pressure was one.

Funny thing: he opened with cockiness, not shyness.

That surprised me.

And then he sort-of froze.

John doesn’t usually freeze or display cockiness

when he is following neuro-typical peers into the battle of performance.

Because he has a first-class re-direct available:

“Do what the other kids do.”

Listening better to teacher Ms. Melanie. He knows recital is coming.

He and I talk about “matching the other kids”.

We continue to work on his mindfulness of

time,

money,

what he needs to do,

and

Building “spider fingers” neural pathways.

when.

His mindfulness of his peer models

is stronger than his inner compass.

So, we have a lot to keep working on!

And we shall.

Peace be with us, and maybe this helps in your house,

Gayle

 

 

 

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Walking Away, Toward Independence

And Yet Ever Aware: "Faster, You Are Running Out of Time"

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It does have its risks, doesn’t it?

Overhead map of his trek between the house and the school bus stop

Letting go, trusting that things will work out safely enough.

Today, I let John walk ahead of me on the walk to the bus.

I kept lagging further and further behind.

With my mouth shut.

He eventually looked back.

I sort of motioned-mouthed, “Do you want to go on by yourself?”

He gave a very slow, very small nod of his head, turned forward and walked on.

I stopped.

Before he moved out of sight, around the corner, he looked back.

I give a tiny wave of my hand.

He waved back and kept walking.

I will see him next after school at the house.

Via the bus.

(Days later)

Mom is backward-chaining her lurking in the bushes also : ) I let our awesome bus driver see me, as he is an ally in helping John toward independence. Don’t want him to think I am cavalier about this.

We have now racked up four mornings of ever-stretching-further success.

He is about 95% independent getting from the house to the bus in the morning.

It seems harder to be independent in the morning.

About to disappear. Top right corner.

Easier to be independent getting off the bus and walking home.

(Makes me wonder if it matters who walks away from whom and when, right?

When he springs out of the car to head into Sunday school, he has grown to zero anxiety.

And for camps, same thing.

Maybe that will happen for school, as he practices more.)

So back to the school morning:  As he walked out of sight, he gave me a backward glance and a wave.

I swear I could see him grinning.

We have been practicing for this with the dog

and with the bus this year

and by backward chaining last year.

And by life in general, me walking away from him.

It’s always about building strengths and accepting risks.

Take baby steps, and practice failing safely.

Next project:  Time awareness to get out of the house 100% independently.

We have mostly used a Time Timer.

Since he is constantly negotiating for a phone,

he gets to prove he can use that phone also for self-regulation via the timer function.

And at the same time, not fall prey to the lure of constant games.

I found a wrist watch for him with both an analog and digital face, with a stop watch function.

Lots to practice with, and see which he relates best with.

This morning, I tried to keep my words positive, “Faster, your time is running out”.

Rather than “Hurry!”, nagging, etc.

He scooted out the front door this Friday morning on the way to the bus.

Solo.

No Mom.

A quick look, but no invitation to come along.

I lurked far far behind, out of sight.

But, I did let him glimpse me twice along the journey.

A last “support” that will fade next week.

So, maybe this can encourage you to keep stretching your kids in every direction,

failing safely, with fading prompts and supports.

They so want to be independent.

It’s how they build self-esteem.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

 

 

 

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School Talent Show: Earning Inclusion and Opportunity

"Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting"

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A few rehearsals were at our Friday afternoon hangout, in the parking lot.

The school said “talent show tryouts”.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

Like when the school said “Mixed Choir, for all students”.

Not just the vocally-gifted.

Oh, opportunity!  Can he earn it?

Mom was instigator who invited a wide group of kids, both neurally-diverse and neurally-typical.

Asked teachers for their (great!) ideas, found the music, got the props, and

maneuvered rehearsal opportunities during our Fridays-after-school play times.

The kids who wanted to participate were co-directors.

“Kid-centered” learning.

The school-appropriate props were both actual taekwondo performance “weapons” and toys.

The sound files and karaoke lyrics were from both YouTube and iTunes.

John carried the suitcase of props into school the day of the audition.

His job to get them to the right place at the right time.

Mom faded her prompts and disappeared.

The co-directors did their jobs.

When the 90-second audition was over, within the gym full of his peers and teachers,

John turned to the audience, grinned hugely and said, “I did it!”

We are lucky the learning community of kids and the culture of the school are very welcoming.

And yet we help every day to grow that “welcome” to all.

The kids felt the full range of motivations, ranging from “let’s try”, “we did it”, “we didn’t make the 2nd round”, and hopefully, “let’s start practicing for next year”.

What more could you ask for from inclusion?

The opportunity for children to try, to band together, to fail and to try again.

How else does anyone learn?

Hope this helps in your world.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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What It Took To Get Out Of The House This Morning

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This was a recent morning, just in case this helps you.

To finally get out of the house on time for school,

we used all these tools:

Tickle

“I am going to win”

“Where do you want to eat?”

He chose a private dining room in the car.

We frequently take breakfast in the car with us, in a thermos.

We also take his vitamins, milk and water.

“Are you choosing to be tardy?”

Walk out – remove the audience

And may we always remember to stay balanced.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

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Chores. Responsibilities. Ownership. Self-Esteem.

Building Neural Pathways for Good Habits and Thus Success for Tomorrows

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Want a low-cost, vital and urgent Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) intervention YOU can do with your kids?

Chores.

You have to do your chores anyway, right?

What we have to do on our list can become a valuable teaching moment to our kids.

It’s not sexy or glamorous.  It’s drudgery and boring.

But vital for their tomorrows.

Responsibility.  Ownership.

And if we frame it wisely, we can direct toward intrinsic motivation.

(Extrinsic motivation (bribery, fear, threats) isn’t the goal.)

Social example:  John has a kid-directed ensemble audition for the school Talent Show coming, with a group of friends.

We (my son and I) will drop off the props, and my role as adult instigator will be over.

Off he goes, and back he comes. Errands into the depths of a large store.

John will write note in his calendar to get to the school office after choir for those props.

And we will have rehearsed beforehand.  (“modeling”)

What matters most is that he made the effort at the opportunity.

John gets a lot of opportunity (my job, for the present time).

Soon enough, creating those opportunities will be his job.

I always hope he is enriched in some way at each opportunity.

Like when we shop, and I send him off on errands into the bowels of the store (photo).

Like the times I send John out into the neighborhood to walk the dog (photo).

But don’t do it like this:

It was Christmas Day morning.

I didn’t know he had already practiced with big brother a circular route home.

I was waiting for a boomerang return, the same way he went out.

John came home with the dog via a loop, and I never saw him.

Eventually, I freaked out.

First time I have ever called 911.

Getting Spike in and out of the vet.

The constables were on it, very diligent.  Amazing for Christmas Day morning.

Mom (still in her pajamas running through the neighborhood) deserved the constable home visit with gentle chastisement.

Other examples:  How about school prep:  Lunchbox and backpack?

Returning shopping carts and learning parking lot risks?

We have practiced behavior expectations and exit etiquette.

Being responsible for holding on to personal stuff.

Ownership:  Sometimes, when we are doing our school morning routine,

John’s focus will drift away, mesmerized by something “shiny”.

Or he will stim (for him, a monotone hum), off-task.

Today, I found myself saying,

“When you are done stimming, we can go”

This I have also said while driving (so then I pull over until…..)

He gets to help. Always.

Hopefully we are also learning time urgency,

because he thinks he will be missing out on something valuable

or he just hates to stand still, or his brain runs off on the wrong neural pathways

and we have to re-focus.

“When you are ready…..”

We may not realize it, but we are helping our kids build neural pathways for their futures.

We can’t rescue them in the long-term.

I might rescue for today, but that only feeds my agenda of guilt and fear.

I want to feed his agenda of independence, resilience and self-esteem.

Peace be with us,

Gayle

 

The first time I sent John off into the neighborhood with the dog, Mom assumed the return route.

 

Spike is headed for his makeover. Mom is a chicken to cut his fingernails.